Friday, April 17, 2009

Green Eyed Girl

This is our newest family member. She's a 9wk old terrier mix and needs a name. Any ideas?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Fertile Earth

At our BFN OB appt last Thurs, our doc said that everything looks great. Her charts are amazing and her ovaries are not showing any signs of wear and tear due to meds. The fact that she DID manage to get pregnant the first time rules out most hormaonal and structural defects. He didn't think that we had reached a point where more than our normal Cl0mid was needed. Apparently we're supposed to just "be patient". That is SO not my style, I'm a doer. Now that BFN #5 is behind us, we're trying not to dwell on the past, but instead to just focus on the currrent cycle. This go-round we've added 2 additional natural fertility boosters. She's started drinking FertiliTe@ and eating an ounce of dried goji berries everyday. This is mostly satisfying my urge to "do" more. Hopefully this is our cycle, if not, I'm determined to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward. Wish us luck.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

A Sad Day

Today is the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Somehow it seems like just yesterday and an eternity ago at the same time. I feel like I should say something profound, impart some great wisdom I've gleaned from all of this, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. The best I can do is to say that the pain is still there, but it isn't as sharp, it doesn't cut as deeply as it once did. I guess that's the best that anyone can hope for. To live through a great personal tragedy and to keep moving forward while still acknowledging the importance of your past.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Another One Bites The Dust

Trina's temp dropped dramatically 5 days ago. I've been hoping against hope that it was an implantation dip or a fluke or ANYTHING other than another failed cycle. Well, 5 days of low temps (just a hair above the coverline), 3 neg HPT's and some cramps later I've officially given up hope. I haven't been sleeping well for days and when I do, my dreams are filled with babies and pregnancies. I wake up tired and mourning the loss of my "dream life" all day. 

This cycle seems to be hitting us both pretty hard. My poor wife is beginning to doubt herself and even worse, consider herself a failure. We've both cried rivers and she hasn't even started bleeding yet. Hopefully we can snap out of it by the time try #6 gets here. To aid me in this, I took a "mental health day" today which gives me 3 days off in a row. I'm cleaning my house today and we're meeting up with some friends tonight. There's also lawn work to be done and various house projects that have been neglected. I'm hoping that setting and reaching smaller goals for a few days will help me get my head straight so I can face work and the general population by the start of my shift on Fri. Wish me luck...

Saturday, April 4, 2009

10 DPO & Worried

I'm finally starting to get over the chest congestion and fatigue of this stupid bug that's going around. Unfortunately, I gave it to Trina who has to suffer through without medicine "just in case" she's knocked up. She's had to take Tylen0l a few times to keep her fever in check, but other than that she's had no relief. It kills me to see her so sick and know there's not only nothing I can do, but that it's also partly my fault. :(

I've noticed myself actively pushing "baby thoughts" out of my head this TWW. It seems when I truly think about Trina's maybe/maybe not pregnancy status I have anxiety. It starts as a small fluttering feeling in my stomach, but gets worse the longer I think about it. I hate it. Starting our family should be a happy, carefree thing. Instead the miscarriage and BFN after BFN is eroding my upbeat nature. I've gone from anxiously awaiting HPT-time to having anxiety even thinking about POAS. To make things worse, Trina's temp has gone down the last 2 mornings. At this rate, tomorrow it'll drop below the coverline and another cycle will go in the trash. I never thought I'd still be waiting for a baby over a year after we started trying for one. Sometimes it's hard to push the whoa-is-me questions out of my head... Where'd the time go? What if we'd done less of this or more of that? When is it my turn? What if...??