Sunday, January 18, 2009
Today is the last day of Cl0mid. Insemination is right around the corner. I am continually surprised at how excited I am. I was truly worried that after the heartache of the miscarriage, then our first and only BFN and then our LOONG break from all that is TTC that this try and the ones to follow would be tainted with worry, doubt and anxiety. Not so, or at least not yet. I'm feeling nothing but hope for our quickly approaching third IUI. I'm grappling with the instinct to filter this happiness. To look at it through a film of reality to make the probable let-down a little softer. Who doesn't want to save themselves a little grief, right? But then I think of all those times over our 6mos break that I agonized about my ability to ever be that person with the bullet-proof optimsm that I was as an invincible first-time IUI'er. I wondered how much of my innocence died along with my first baby. So there it is, against the advice of my protective instincts, I'm trying to feel nothing but elated that my wonderful wife and I are going to try to make our family a reality in less than a week. I have enough worry in my life, why can't this ONE thing be as beautiful and as inspiring as it was meant to be. We deserve this. We all do.