A Beautiful Mind

OK, remember when I reserved the right to freak out? That time is now, folks. For some unknown, very stupid reason, we decided Sunday was a good day to start POAS. We were wrong. Sunday's stick was negative. We were only a little bit sad because it was way early. Well Monday's stick had the tiniest, faintest, ghost of an almost line. Kind of...maybe. I stared and stared at that stick. I willed the "line" to show itself. After talking myself in circles to my best friend she sent me the link to peeonastck.com. It's the damnedest thing. A whole website filled with FAQ's and pictures on home pregnancy test results. Now instead of just staring at the 2 sticks we had (yes I kept them both, don't judge me), I was staring at pages and pages of sticks and comparing them to ours. This morning's stick, which was a different brand, was supposed to make everything better. It was supposed to be one of 2 things, Bold or Blank. Is that so damn hard? Apparently, because the damn thing had it's own phantom, barely there, hint of a line. The only difference was that it was pink instead of blue. Now I had 3 sticks and a website to analyze til my eyes bled.
Side note: Almost no one in our "real life" knows we inseminated this month, let alone that we're anxiously awaiting a damn urine soaked stick to tell us the most important thing we'll ever find out. This leaves me doing mental acrobatics silently and secretly. I think of sticks all day and all night. I've dreamt of nothing but HPT for 2 days. I even woke up the the sound of my wife using the restroom in the middle of the night and nearly ran in there to see if she was testing without me! Apparently that tied into the dream I was having. In my dreams sometimes the test is positive and sometimes it's negative and lots of times just when we have it figured out, it changes. Once when we decided it was "really positive this time" Trina looks at me and says, "oh wait, this is the one that YOU peed on, it can't be positive". When did I start peeing on tests? Stupid dreams, stupid subconscious.
So today I confided my lunacy in Vada. I laid out all my "what ifs", dreams, thoughts and comparisons and when I get to the part of my story where I'm peeing on sticks in my dreams she says "Well why don't you pee on a stick? It HAS to be negative, then you can compare it to the other sticks." Brilliant! I LOVE this girl. I run in and pee on the remaining stick in the 2-stick box we used today. My test is absolutely negative. One line. No doubt. There is definitely a difference between my stick and Trina's 3 sticks (yes I still have them ALL). What does this mean? Could be nothing. I'm trying very hard not to let my hopes soar, but hey, I'm human and very possibly insane at this point. :) It's amazing that I'm putting myself through all of this when nature will give me the answer in 3 short days. I know this is crazy with every logical cell in my body. That being said, both my wife and I will be peeing on sticks at 7:30 tomorrow morning.