Emotional Rollercoaster

Trina continued to lightly cramp and spot Friday and Saturday. Sunday as I was finishing my work day, I got a call from Trina. She was crying. She had started bleeding and her cramps were getting worse. She'd called the "on call" nurse who had told her to lay down, drink water and call back if it didn't stop or it got worse. I rushed home with a feeling of dread in my gut. I asked if she'd POAS. She said she hadn't and didn't see the point since she knew she was losing it. We decided she'd POAS first thing in the morning. If it was positive we'd call the Dr office to see what we should do. We held each other and cried. Our faith in this cycle was completely gone. I tossed and turned all night. Questions filled my head and made sleep impossible. How could this have not worked? What are we going to do? How long until we can do an FET? How will we afford it? What if that doesn't work?

At 4am Trina woke me up and told me I was going to be a mom. She'd taken 2 tests and they were both positive. I asked her if she was still bleeding. She was, but not as much. I wasn't ready to revive my hope, but she seemed so happy so I kept my fears and negative thoughts to myself. We called the doctor's office as soon as they opened and explained the situation. The nurse said since the test was positive we could come in for a beta but not to get our hopes up. The number could be very low or dropping and still read positive on a HPT. We got ready and went straight in. When we got there, our nurse seemed to have completely switched gears. She was saying the bleeding was likely caused by a combination of implantation and Trina being on her feet for 5 hrs at work. She drew the blood, told Trina to stay on bed rest for the day and gave her a note calling for light duty when she returned to work. We would get a call around 3 with the results.

I hated leaving for work with everything so up in the air. We wouldn't be together when the results came in. What if they were bad and Trina was all alone? Would I be able to finish my shift or have a complete breakdown? All day I mentally prepared and bargained with myself. How low could the number be and still leave me with a sliver of hope? 100 would be nice. That's a nice strong singleton number for 9dp5dt. what about 60? Would 60 freak me out? How low a number shows up on the brand of HPT we used? The test line was only about half as dark as the control line so the number probably isn't very high. I could expect at least a 50 right??

At 3:38 I sent a text to Trina asking if there was any word. I knew if there had been, she would have called me immediately, but I was getting impatient. I was checking my cell constantly. A few minutes later I mindlessly answered the work phone and was greeted with "Congratulations it's 221!" My brain froze up. "What??" "221! Our beta is 221! We're having a baby!" I went into shock. I felt like crying or throwing up or both. I was SO not expecting that. Concentrating on work was hard after that call, but I made it through. We have our 2nd beta on Wed and our 3rd on Friday. I still haven't fully accepted that this might actually end well for us. I wish she'd stop bleeding. If tomorrow's beta doubles maybe I'll have some peace of mind. More than likely, I'll just start worrying about the next thing...